The Realm In Between...

...

2012-01-20T08:30:00.000+08:00

Sometimes when you've tried your best...and things still do not work out the way you want them to be, leave it to Allah to decide what's best for us. May Allah forgive our sins and bless our hearts with forgiveness and hidayah. Amiiin.

Though I feel like pouring my heart into this blog, I see not it's practicality. It would only be a constant reminder of the hurt and the pain and the anger. Therefore, I shall end this entry here and pray that everything will turn out better.

updates

2011-12-20T15:55:00.001+08:00

Ok, now for some quick updates...

- work, work, work...
- went out last week, didn't get much done. that shopping list is still a long list today ...
- birthdays .. yeap, too many, the last one was on 19/12 ... more birthdays in January, and then in February it's mine :D (SONOR FORCE 3007, please!)
- then it's all about rhyme and time! sometimes I get to finish 1.5 storyboard a day, sometimes I'm just plain lazy and the ideas refuse to come to me..yeah, hate it when it happens!
- preparing myself mentally and physically for the important journey..been running these past few days, hoping to accelerate the metabolism and be fit again.
- selected a few poems and write ups to submit for publication, hopefully they'd like the ones I've shortlisted.
- wrote a few poems last week after being 'stagnant' for quite a while.
- work, work, and more work.
- Mondays holidays . . . 'prolonged' holidays make me even lazier hahaha
- a former student posted her engagement vid and it became viral..budak2 zaman sekarang, hahaha..

oklah, gotta get back to work..what's ever left for today lah..

...

2011-12-20T15:42:00.002+08:00

For a while, I was under the impression that I had something important to blog about..

But then ...

I realised I don't.

life is teasing me

2011-11-09T21:27:00.000+08:00

It's a bad joke, no doubt.

When I have finally found a job that I love, the one that I really enjoy doing, life drops a bomb on it..

I do love my job and my team, but I know soon I have to say goodbye because I wish not to start hating what I am currently doing and doing it with anger and frustration.

I hope I could make them change their mind.I am praying hard for a miracle.it's gonna be frustrating to see such talent and such great product get wasted. I wish I could do more. I promise I would stop complaining about the workload and the friend who care less about performing at his/her best. I would stop whinning and I would listen more often.. Ya Allah please give us the good news and bless us with miracles..

Everybody feels...

2011-10-17T16:15:00.000+08:00

I walked in on a crying girl. I was pretty surprised to find her teary-eyed and red-faced.

I just saw her yesterday. She was all happy and brilliant.

But today, I saw a different side of her.

Yesterday she told me about her relationship. Guys can really be dumbos when it comes to treating their significant other. It's heart-breaking to hear the innocent hopes that she has for this guy. My, my, I was reminded of my ex bf.

I tried to be positive and encouraged her to be positive too. But the truth is, when I heard how her guy treated her, I told myself that there's only two possibilities - 1) Ditch the guy and find a better man or 2) Marry the guy and suffer throughout the marriage. But then again, I didn't want to sound very negative, so of course, I reserved my comments on that.

When she spoke about the few incidents in which she did ask to end the relationship (which the guy disagreed, of course), she shared her worries with me. She told me that he is her first love. If their relationship doesn't work, would she find another man that would accept her as she is. Wow, that really breaks my heart!

C'mon girl, we are no longer living in the 50s. You shouldn't be saying those damaging things to yourself! If you are fated to be single all your worldly life, no matter how many men you've dated, you'd still end up being single. If you're destined to marry a great man, you will! And because we don't know which route will our fate direct us to, we have to pray really hard that it is the best path for us.

Love is not something that you would definitely find should you seek for it, but it is not something that you would stumble upon when you are not looking for it..love is something that you create by first loving and accepting yourself. Love is something that you develop when you share it with the people around you. Love is something that you keep for the rest of your life when you truly understand that nobody can take it away from you. Love will be all around you should you take the very first step to care.

I am not a Dr.Love, neither do I have that much experience to be talking on this topic. But I feel that it is important for all of us to know that love is such a great thing and it can come in many forms. Don't waste your life hunting for just one form of it. When you learn to love yourself and share it, you'll see that people around you would also open their hearts to you.

Borrowed from: http://www.onlinemoneymakingprocess.com/waseem/love/

So my dear friend, stop crying and embrace yourself in its wholesomeness. Nobody is perfect but that doesn't mean we should be all negative and expect and accept sh** from people. Love yourself and love will find its way to your heart ;)

out of plain boredom

2011-09-20T17:11:00.001+08:00

this is a ramblings..because I have nothingmuch to be done at the office. so currently I’m typing out whatever that comesacross my mind. honestly i’m hungry. should i worry about all thesepunctuations and letter case. my neck hurts, i bet it’s because of the pillow islept on last night. we had a big dinner at johnny’s. it was yummy. i keep ondoing this self-censorship thingy to myself. the point of doing this exercise isto simply translate ideas and thoughts in my mind onto this piece of electronicpaper. unfortunately too much thought is still being put into choosing suitablewords and suitable topics to jot down making it less authentic. talking aboutauthentic makes me crave for banana leaf rice. i almost spelt rice as rais. imlooking at the mouse thinking what life would be if there’s no mouse for me touse at this office. im also thinking about my sim. I’ve just deleted two linesthat were supposed to come after the previous sentence. see, self-censorhipagain. now my head is pounding because it’s either too cold in here or it isjust the boredom.

last nite i was talking to my sister and iwas saying that life is all about making choices. now im asking myself whetherive made good and right choices all along. i know i didn’t decide well when ihad the opportunity to further my studies in Lancaster. i know i didn’t make agood choice by staying in that company for four years. i only felt the urge toleave after going through much harassment - emotional ones. and im grateful that i madethe choice to leave even though at that time i wasn’t really convinced that thenew place was a better place. it turned out to be worse, but still im gratefulthat i left because it opened some many doors after that and more doors arestill opening now. Now i feel like i've settled. Alhamdulillah. And pray that things will only get better from here onwards.

now im hungry again. it’s more difficult tofast in the other months compared to Ramadhan – shows that it is indeed ablessed month. im gonna stop my ramblings here for now. adieu.

Reality TV shows

2011-09-08T09:46:00.001+08:00

I have a love-hate relationship with reality TV shows. I do enjoy watching stuff like X-factor and Got Talent enterprises. I even enjoyed watching the first season of Akademi Fantasia minus all the teary and sappy dramas. I love to watch raw talents blooming and feel the connection when these talented people singing on stage for the first time in front of a huge crowd. However, I don't appreciate people yelling at each other, fighting over silly stuff, crying over trivial issues in front of a camera - I'm not into the Kardashians, Giuliana and Bill and stuff like that.

The thing I like about talent shows especially singing contents is the sincerity that you can feel in the voice of the undiscovered artists. No doubt many people can sing well, but not many can touch your heart with their sincerity translated through their amazing vocals. And I have to admit that I also admire their courage to take on the stage. Although some people who went for the audition made a fool out of themselves, it's amazing to see how confident and courageous they were. It's a good source of laughter and also a reminder to myself to always check what's my abilities and handicaps. And yes, I'm happy to admit that I can't sing! :D Enjoy these vids!

Imagine having a vocal that can reach to your inner soul...check out Jade Richards' audition on the X-Factor here. Gimme shivers lah this babe!

Raw talent...and she didn't even know that she is that good - Janet Devlin's audition on X-factor

When I was a kid

2011-09-07T12:00:00.002+08:00

...I didn't have much as I come from a big family and mom quit her job when I was born.

I was stubborn and clingy from the very beginning... She tried to put me in a nursery with my sister (we're 13 months different) and after three days, the nanny told her that she can't keep up with me. I was six months old at that time. I'd stand facing the door grill and would cry non-stop until my mother came or I fell asleep. My sister would try to console me, but it didn't work I guess. If anybody tried to pick me up, I would cry even louder. No milk nor toy can soothe my broken heart. So, on the evening of the third day, she told my mother to find a new care taker. By the end of the week, my mom tendered her resignation and began her career as a full-time and extra-time mom. Life was hard then, with four little children and two more 'on-the-way', I can't imagine how my parents juggled their time and finance for the whole family. My father at that time was an underpaid engineer who had just committed himself to a long-term house loan - mind you, working with the P*** was never easy, especially when you're an honest person.

When I started schooling, my two younger siblings were already born. With four children in school and two little monsters at home (and one more to come in the next few years), I guess every thing was kind of hard for everyone of us. But when it comes to food, my mom always gives us the best, even when we didn't have much, she's very 'Chinese' in that sense (yes, she's of Chinese-Indian blood and no, I'm not being racist here). There's always good food on table, a variety of good food - so you see, it's not ayam or ikan kembung every single day. Where food counts, it's always a feast!

Recently, during Eid, my mom cooked a special kind of porridge and she used the word "kanji" to refer to it. It certainly brought back memories and tears to my eyes. I remember having to bring glue and scissors for art lesson at school. Scissors - yes, mom had it at home. Glue - she made it from starch and added some clothes softener (yes, the pink Softlan) and when I asked her what was it - she said "kanji". I was laughed at at school. I'm still befriending one of the kids who made fun of my homemade-kanji-glue. Forgive - yes, forget - the hurt, yes, but the memory can't be erased.

Every time I am reminded of my past and my childhood, I wish I could just express it freely that I love my mom more than anything in this world, but then again, it's not that easy (especially because I'm a very shy person despite this very confident persona)... So here's to my beloved mom, may Allah continue to bless you with His love and all the great things in this life and after.

My Ramadhan (...thus far)

2011-08-14T01:34:00.001+08:00

Seems like everything has sort of sped up and sometimes slowed down during this holy month of Ramadhan ... not sure if that's the right description for the passing hours. Working hours become shorter but it makes it slightly harder to catch up with deadlines unless I use every single second at the office to do work (i.e. strictly no internet surfing, facebook-ing etc.). I'm grateful though as I managed to finish amending the storyboards earlier than I expected. Phew, the tension was almost unbearable and I knew it was written all over my face the past two weeks. That's the thing with me, I'm very bad at hiding my emotions, erm, actually, anger to be specific.

Though time at office is shorter, it feels like I have lesser time to do other stuff. On weekdays, as soon as I got home at about 5.30-40pm, I'd go straight to the kitchen to help mom prepare food for the iftar. After Maghrib prayer, I'd be busy cleaning up and washing dishes. Then I'd change into my tracksuit and t-shirt and do some workout and jog for about 30 minutes (yeah, I notice that I workout more regularly in Ramadhan). A quick shower and then I'd do Isya' and terawih. After that, it is mengaji time. I'd usually spend between 15-30 minutes for it. When I'm done, it's already 11.30. Phew, time really flies! And the speed doubles up especially during Ramadhan! Bed time is at midnight. Sahur time is at 4.30am. Usually my younger sister would set up the table and heat the food for sahur and I'd do the cleaning up after that. I can't go back to sleep after Subuh because the last time I did so, I arrived at the office at 9.30am! A few minutes after that, the boss arrived hehehe. So, I'd rather not sleep. Every day, it's the same routine. But on weekends, I'd sleep a bit late, pass midnight and sometimes after Subuh :D and would be in bed until 9am.

Many things had happened this week. First, it was aunt Baiti. She passed away on Monday night after being hospitalized for two weeks. She was already set to go home, and her kids were already thinking of celebrating Eid with a kenduri kesyukuran. Now, they've decided to do a tahlil for her on the second week of Eid. Then, on Thursday morning, my sis bbm-ed me saying that my uncle was hospitalized because of high blood pressure. He collapsed at the mosque after Isya and luckily my cousins and two uncles were there to help him. Yesterday, we got the news about my mom's sister-in-law who was hospitalized because of dengue. Wah banyaknya cerita hospital dalam satu minggu! So, we decided to go back to Ipoh this morning after Sahur to visit my uncle and aunt. I drove all the way to Ipoh and arrived at the hospital after an hour and 45 minutes. My dad was worried about the speed and when we left kampung later that afternoon, he decided not to let me drive hahaha. We arrived home at about 6.45pm. What a day!

I'm tired and sleepy now. Time for bed!

Good night peeps! Have a good weekend and enjoy your Ramadhan!

...

2011-07-26T22:40:00.000+08:00

I have many things to blog about but I'm tired.

Work..work..work..

Need a break..

From everything and everyone..

From life..

So let's go to bed now.

Welcoming the new month!

2011-07-26T22:35:00.000+08:00

Hahaha - this had been in my draft for one month! Shows how busy I've been :P

***

It's been 3 months since I started working here. My best friend said after 3 months all the 'sweetness' will be sucked out of you and you would start complaining about too many things hahaha. I'm still enjoying what I do and I love the fact that office is almost a stone's throw away from home so I don't have to drive long distance. But the quite unfortunate fact is, the traffic could sometimes be very bad...TIPU! Bukan sometimes, but all the time! Can't imagine the road's condition during Ramadhan...adoi! In less than 30 days, we shall greet the holy month and I pray that I'll be home in time for buka puasa, or even earlier! Much, much earlier, I hope...

We've lost another combatant today. Enough said.

Piles of work is waiting. But I shall not complain as I am grateful I have a job...and most importantly a job that makes me happy..

Death speaks a foreign language

2011-06-21T23:44:00.001+08:00

Every time there's a news about death lingering around, I would freeze for a few moments, have goosebumps and resume life. But when it concerns my family and friends, it would take me days, weeks and sometimes months to get back on track with my life (i.e. without thinking about it day and night) and click on the resume button to go back to that 'normal' life that I had.

On Sunday, a friend text-ed me saying that one of my closest friend's dad has passed on. I read the message a few times, because she said "jatuh dan pergi" and I was trying to compute the real message, not because I was dumb or slow or anything like that, it was just because I was hoping that it wasn't true. He was only 55 and he seemed like a very healthy family man to me. The last time I saw him was when I attended his cucu's akikah a few months ago. What could be worse than losing your very own father on a Father's Dy? I know some of us do not celebrate such day, but then again, it is still devastating! The fact that there's no sign indicating that he's leaving forever makes it even more unbearable to his family.

That night I went to Rozaina's house with my dad. My dad and her dad used to worked in the same office for more than 20 years. Rozaina and I have been friends since we were in standard 1. Her father used to bring her to PKNS field to watch the boys playing football and my father was the manager of the team. So we used to sort of hang out quite a lot with each other. She was my first friend at school and the first person to bully me (I used to be tiny - yeah, I know, I wouldn't believe it either if I were you). She used to chase me around the class with the 1 metre long yellow pembaris. Yeah, she was that naughty... But when I saw her that night, I almost broke down in tears. She was carrying her feverish daughter and her eyes were swollen. She told us that everybody told her to be strong but she's worried that she doesn't have such strength. Her younger sisters were still in tears and her mother seemed lost with words. I didn't know how to console her and I feel helpless and silly at the same time, "I'm not good with words, I'm sorry, but I pray the very best for you and family" - Yes, sometimes my silliness memang terserlah tanpa dipaksa. Still sucks at communication though I've known her for more than 20 years! *sigh*

When I went home that night, my father was driving the car. I was busy staring at the full moon (very beautiful indeed), I wondered what if I were in her position now. How would I deal with such pain of losing the man who has taken care of me since birth, who has been showering me with his love though not much words escape his mouth since the day I understood what love means. My father was very quiet throughout the journey home, unlike when we were on the way to visit the late uncle Roslan's family. I bet he was thinking of similar things that were going through my mind at that time. When I got home, I lied down on my bed and started sobbing quietly and fell asleep not long after.

It's been two days now and I am still thinking about him, about how sudden a death can be and how your world can be turned upside down within minutes, if not seconds. We seldom think about death even though our ajal, our time in this world has been determined when we were still in our mother's womb. I, for one, am not prepared to face death as I know there are too many mistakes and sins that I've done in this life and I haven't got the time to repent. I worry that if I procrastinate, the time will never be mine...

Kerja lalalala!

2011-06-03T11:39:00.000+08:00

Life has been pretty much about and around work lately.

I had not given it a serious thought until this morning when my sister actually posted on my fb wall - "I miss you". The irony of it is that we're staying in the same house, under the same roof. We see each other at dinner, and that's about it. We used to have long chats and bitch about everything haha. Even after she got married and delivered a baby we still had time for all the light moments together. But I noticed that when she started working and not long after that, I landed on this job, we seldom have the time to sit down and chat. She's always busy with work, hubby and kid...I, work and sleep! hahaha.

I've been so busy with work lately that most nights I would either lock myself up in the room to do more work, or just to sleep, very early that is. I rarely watch TV after work because I've sort of become bored 'staring' at any screen, including my hp screen :P. At times, I just wanna lie in bed, read my books and be 'free'. Unfortunately these days, whenever I picked up a book to read, I would be dozing off after the second paragraph. Yeah, I don't need 7 minutes like an average adult to fall asleep - a bed and a pillow will lull me to sleep in less than a minute! Some say it's good, but I think I am missing quite a lot from my life.

I love this job. But perhaps I'm taking it way too seriously. I have yet to learn to juggle my time in a more balanced manner.

I think, soon, my-psychologist-sis would come up with a new theory about me: keeping my nose under huge piles of work to dodge life's real issues! Especially during this time of the year - cuti sekolah - musim kahwin! haahahaha.

I don't see any problem with being single and unmarried (if this is my fate, then be it), but the thing that I cannot tahan is the overtly concerned people who think they know better than my parents and I do. My parents, of course, are concerned about me, but never push me to marry. There's one time (after so many 'concerned' ceramah and small talks about marriage by my relatives) when I just walked straight up to my mom and told her, "Ok, ma, I don't have any boyfriends, and I am not dating anyone, so...if you feel that you've found the right person to be your son-in-law, I wouldn't mind marrying him". My mom laughed it off. And then she said, "Allah has plans for everyone, including you..." - See how cool my mom is!

***

Oh sh**! I just realised that my driving licence will expire today!

Let me tell you this...

2011-05-31T09:24:00.000+08:00

Do you still remember your question to us not long ago? Well, here's the answer to it.

The very reason people can't stand you is the fact that you are not at all helpful! You don't even try to be nice to people even though we are really forcing ourselves to talk to you, to go out with you, to share our jokes with you so on and so forth. We ARE FORCING OURSELVES! Do you know how it feels doing something that you don't really feel like doing, but obliged to do so to keep things "INTACT!"

We are a team! How can you just take, take, take all the time, ask for help all the time. And we give, give, give, and help you all the time, but when we ask for a favour, you quickly respond negatively! Damn! And you ask us why people don't like you, duh!

Unhealthy environment! I guess yeah, 3 isn't a good number...

You're killing the team spirit here!

Signed,
your-pissed-off-colleague!

Fishy

2011-05-24T20:49:00.000+08:00

There's something fishy going on.. frankly, I'm not interested to find out what it is. But, I could sense it has something to do with me and the Friday incident. Adoiii..maka dengan ini bermula kisah office politics yang aku tak ingin menjadi sebahagian darinya.. *sigh.

***
THE FALLEN buddha

I used not to have a single care
of this small world
BUT now, you have enlightened
me of its
cruelty and injustices

I used to be innocent
not knowing much
and had very little
burden on my heart

Now you have shown me
the light
that blackens the
brightest space
and consumes everything
that stands in between

Thank you for the
REVELATION!

working on weekends

2011-05-22T21:12:00.000+08:00

Frankly, I don't mind working on weekends..but, having to go to the office on weekends, erm...and to make things worse, when I arrived this morning, the door was still locked, and I had to wait for more than an hour. Ok, I do understand that on Sundays, people tend to laze around and sleep in etc. But, I thought since this was a "special" weekend,I expected them to come earlier hahaha..but it's oklah, at least I had some time to read Jhumpa Lahiri's short stories and enjoy my nescafe.

I managed to finish 3 sb today. I was forcing myself to finish them as soon as possible because I wanted to go home early. I finished my work in less than 4 hours, and then quickly packed up my things and went to my car. Today I parked my car at the other side of the office building, had to walk a bit and I was being very cautious because yesterday somebody had fallen victim to a snatch theft incident near my office. Whew, these days people are sooooo desperate.

I hope tomorrow will be a better day for me and the rest of the team. This week has proven to be one of the most 'interesting' weeks since I joined this new company. A colleague lashed out her anger at me and another colleague on Friday, and she even cried in the meeting room. Had to step in and contain the situation. I was pretty much upset with what had happened, but I guess experience allowed me not to jump unnecessarily. I even told her to sit down and discuss with us what was the real problem. I'm telling you this, it's a very silly issue, in fact a very childish matter. And for that issue to be raised by a person who is older than me and a mother...aiyoooo... I wish that she didn't say anything at all - now I am so bloody conscious of everything that I do and say. I didn't expect that a person could be so jealous of me having a close relationship with another person but not with her. Aiyooo, you can't force me to like you and to have similar friendship that I am having with my other friends. Lagipun personaliti orang tak sama...haiyoh...I thought I could just let go this issue after that 'session' on Friday, but I guess, I'm just a normal being and I still want to ramble it out in my blog..

I really, really hope that tomorrow will be a new begining of better things to come...Amiin.

Choosing life

2011-05-17T21:36:00.000+08:00

I slept for a solid 12 hours! Not trying to 'catch up' with my sleep, but I was so tired after driving home from work in the massive traffic jam. Well, I had gone through worse, but I don't know why I was particularly tired yesterday. Perhaps it's due to the weather...lately the temperature has been very high. I can imagine how high the bill for electricity will be by the end of this month - I switch on the aircond every night - very much unlike me - usually I can't sleep with the aircond on because it will cause me headache, but lately, I've become addicted to the aircond! I've been wrapping my head with a bandana and sometimes I put on my snow cap so that I can sleep peacefully with the aircond on. I know that aircond will make your bones fragile, but with the current weather, you don't have much choice.

Speaking of choice, recently a friend 'presented' his theory on life, stating that some people are born in such way that they can't really decide on their direction because it seems like everything has been 'pre-arranged' for them. As much as I respect his opinion (in relation to that very specific matter), I believe that we are all given the opportunity and the right to choose. Every morning, as soon as we wake up from our deep slumber, we will be facing with a situation which requires us to make a decision. For instance, when we hear our hp alarm going off, we have to decide whether to press the snooze or the stop button. After we've come out from the shower, we would need to decide on which baju to wear today. Then we have to decide whether we should go for breakfast that morning or go straight to work. If we decided to have breakfast first, we then have to decide where to go for a quick bite. At the mamak we are faced with another decision making scenario - "to teh tarik or not to teh tarik" and the process goes on and on and on. And in one day, there are not least than 5 decisions that we have to make. They might appear to be trivial, but every decision entails a result. If we are given the right to decide on trivial things, don't you think that for other important matters, we would also be given the same right? Hmmmm.... In reality, we can't run away from making choices, and we are accountable for every decision and choice that we make. No matter how confused you are at some point of you life, you still have to make a decision and you still have the right to choose. And whatever you choose to do or not to do, there will always be a 'reaction'.

When I quit my old job, I had a very difficult 'transition' period, yet it was also an eye opening experience to many other things. I chose to 'end' a very long fight thus I moved out and moved on. Though the pain was there for the first few weeks, I am grateful that I made such decision as I am a happier person now than I was for the past two years.

So if you ask me, I would say, we do have the right to choose and the opportunity to make a decision in our life, regardless how trivial or how important the issue we are dealing with. But we also have to always remember that every action entails reaction and every decision we make, we are responsible and accountable on each and every one of them.

Have a great week ahead people! Good night.

reflect

2011-05-02T22:23:00.000+08:00

we seldom count our blessings until it's too late.

recently i met someone who changed my perspective towards life.

seeing her so full of life encourages me to be a better and a more positive person everyday.

instead of complaining about my life, i started to be thankful for the little, little things that i had always overlooked before.

i am a stubborn person, my mom would testify to that. but this someone is really special because she made me see things in a different light and she 'turned' me into a 'believer'.

how many times in your life can you say you've 'met' a blessing in disguise? i know i have ^__^

Lazing around on a beautiful Sunday...

2011-05-01T10:47:00.000+08:00

*Ya, tajuk tidak semestinya akan 'reflect' atau 'reveal' isi kandungan entri ini. Why is my malay becoming more hancur these days? oh no! my english is going down the drain as well, soon i won't be good at any language hahaha - mode sengal melanda*

It's been quite some time since I posted anything here. Been busy with work. I realized that I don't watch TV, I don't sleep, I don't read, I don't minggle with my family and friends (except those from work) as much as I did before *sigh*.

I used to be a couch potato after SPM - sprained my ankle very badly in 1998/99 and had to rest from TKD for a while - gained weight!! Six months after that I was offered a place at a local univ, started to attend TKD again and began my training in Goh Chor kungfu. So I was back on track with my weight. Made it to the Selangor selection and was selected to be on the team for the National Tournament in 2001, 2002, 2003 and 2004 - my glorious years with LTA. In 2006/7 I went to join kru Jak's kickboxing studio in PJ. I really enjoyed the class but due to financial constraint, I quit after I was accepted to do my postgrad degree.

Now, in 2011, after so many years of 'idleness', I've decided to go back to kru Jak's studio. However, I'm kinda worried that I can't cope with it because my working hours is until 6pm and kru's class begins at 8pm. The traffic in damansara is sooo unpredictable and most of the time I'm stuck in the traffic jam for about 45 mins to 1 hour.

*Dina said my ideas are always scattered - see, I wanted to talk about work but now I've rambled about tkd, kungfu and kickboxing, haish...need to improve on that, what to do my 'head' likes to go jalan2 into the wrong directions hahaha*

If I were to attend the kickboxing class (mondays and wednesdays), I would have lesser time at home and I know who's going to be very upset :P.

I noticed that the whole of last week, after I came back from work, I'd take a shower, stay downstairs for 10-15minutes or so, just to tayang my muka and then slowly I crawled back to my bedroom and 'kaput'!

Lately I've been spending a lot of time in my bedroom doing work. If it's not the work work, it's the MA work and yeah I barely have the time to socialise except with a few of my colleagues who happened to ride with me to work last week.

Am I gradually turning into that lonely writer, who would have a cat sleeping by her side while she's busy typing away entries to be posted on some online magazines, or for some children's e-book? and one day, she'll be found dead in her apartment after the neighbours heard the cat 'wailing'?hahaha...

miss D, helpppppp! ^__^ ---> i belajar all these from u la hahaahaha

have a good Sunday people, and Happy Labour Day ;)

A hectic weekend

2011-04-17T23:15:00.000+08:00

I just woke up from a short nap at a bad timing. I slept from 7-7.45pm.. I hate sleeping at such hour, but I was too tired to think of the consequences and now I'm having a headache.

Yesterday, we went to Damansara to look for a washing machine for my sis. We were supposed to go there in the afternoon but one thing led to another, and we only managed to go there after maghrib. Again, bad timing! Luckily I didn't have to drive the car. After an hour of 'roaming' around the shop, we decided to buy a rather 'handsome' looking washing machine. We then went to the mamak, had dinner and went to do some grocery shopping at Tesco. At 10pm, it was still packed with people. Ingatkan pergi lambat relax sket..

We reached home at about 11.30pm (stopped for some ice-cream at BK before that). The nescafe tarik I had earlier didn't allow me to sleep, so I sat in front of the PC and tried to finish the 4 sb. Managed to do 2 sb by 3am and can't help feeling extremely sleepy. So, I went to bed..

Woke up at 6.30am. Got ready to go back to Ipoh to attend my cousin's wedding. Tried to sleep in the car, only managed a 10 mins nap because Fidaa' was coughing very badly.

Arrived at Tok's place at about 11am, had brunch - nasi lemak. Had some durian!!! haha - loved it! At about 12noon, we went to the hall. Was forced to eat by Cik. Had a quick go at the nasi minyak. Saw my mom collecting the plates and glasses from the guests' tables - I guess the penanggah who were supposed to help around went MIA. So I got up and helped my mom. I didn't realize that I had been collecting the plates for 2 hours straight until my mom called me and we headed back to Tok's place to pray. I tried to force myself to sleep because I had to drive my dad's car later. Was too tired and can't really sleep. So I took a shower and got ready to get back.

Started off the journey at about 4.45pm and reached home at 6.30 - yup, crazy speed. erm,takde la crazy sangat sebab jim bawak 160-180, my average was 130-40. yolah kete saga bml nak lawan toyota mane larat lol!

I've just finished another sb. Tak larat nak start on the other one, plus the laptop got some prob. So, the best thing to do now is to sleep...

Goodnight people!

pandemic

2011-04-12T23:22:00.001+08:00

*diberi tajuk sedemikian kerana aku tidak punya ide yang lebih baik pada ketika ini.

Been busy for the past 2 weeks. I spent most nights studying about id as I've left the field for more than 5 years. Then it was the adapting week at the new place. I was a teacher but I sometimes find myself struggling to adapt myself with people my age! My communication skill sucks big time! Well, not all the time though. It's just that dealing with kids is so much easier because even if they judge you whenever you stand in front of the class during your very first meeting, they are just kids. And it's easy to win their hearts as long as you understand their needs, not too strict about every single thing that they do or don't do, you tell them a few jokes, make them laugh, make them feel good about themselves, build up your rapport, make connection with them, be concerned with their progress, facilitate and reward them with compliments and maybe throw in a gift of two for the deserving lot. But with adults - haiyah, really lah, you can't read their mind from their facial expression, you can't understand their expectations of you, you smile oso they sometime pretend not to see. So the best remedy is to oso pretend like you're not there hahaha. No lah...that's not a solution, that would just be a denial. My sister the-saiko-psychology grad said that I take quite some time to warm up to people because I could be very critical at times. Betul ke? I think critical sounds too negative. The truth is I'm a very shy person hahaha, but once you got to know me, it won't be easy to shut me up. I kinda like to first observe and try to understand how to go about my relationship with everyone. But as I grow older, I try really hard (still trying) to be friendlier (I can't change my face though), to smile a lot more than I used to, to at least say hi or bid goodbye, to not avoid people's eyes when we cross path and smile - tapi I still suck at it. Honestly, going to a new place is definitely a scary experience. But I guess, you just have to live with it, try your best to adapt and leave the rest to God (and silence your inner thoughts from thinking of too many negative things) and pray that the positive vibes will be pandemic.

They say fear lies in the unknown :)
Ok need to get back to my sb..

blogging - a good breather :D

A date to remember version 2.0

2011-03-28T22:47:00.000+08:00

-first published on facebook.com-

About a year ago, I embarked on a journey that seemed to never end, but today, after countless visits to the Faculty of Dentistry, UM, I was finally told that 'I am free to go'. Me being the usual sentimental dame, had a rush of mixed feelings streaming along my veins.

***

My first visit to UM was supervised by Prof. Nik Noriah. After a quick examination at the BRU, they scheduled a surgery (right side, upper and lower wisdom teeth – maaf jargon dental aku tak biasa) for me with Dr. Rusni (if I’m not mistaken). Read more about it here --> http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=380278164569

I was also given another date for dunno-what-treatment prior to my surgery and it was supposed to be followed up with RCT. I underwent the surgery somewhere in April 2010 and all the pain went away till July. I was supposed to receive a call from the clinic regarding the RCT by May/June, but given the fact that it was always busy, I guess they sort of forgot about me. So when the pain was unbearable, I went to a private dentist in Sunway. Dr. Azlina gave me some antibiotics and asked me to go back to UM to sort things out. She’s a former student there, so she told me that it’d be best to see what UM could arrange for me first. But in case things didn’t work the way we hoped for (i.e. if I can’t find a ‘student-dentist’ who needed a case like mine) she’d continue with the procedure.

A few calls and several SMS-es later, I learned that the clinic would find a student for me, but the process would take some time. Since I was not in pain at that time, I didn’t have any issue to raise. A few days later, Aen called me and we arranged our first appointment. Frankly I was skeptical at first but Aen and her partner, Zeety managed to win my confidence with their skillful hands and good natured personalities. Read more about it here --> http://fictionizedreality.blogspot.com/2011/03/back-at-being-lab-rat.html

I had a third tooth extracted about two weeks ago – and that was not a very ‘fun’ experience
(Read more here --> http://fictionizedreality.blogspot.com/2011/03/if-all-my-wisdom-teeth-are-extracted.html)
but it made me think about these students who are willing to take the risk and enroll themselves into dentistry course. If you ask me, I would never be able to pull a ‘working’ tooth out of somebody’s gum; it’s too gross and too scary for me. I would faint upon hearing the patient’s cries and yelps, what more will all the blood smearing all over the place…GORY! (ok, I am exaggerating hahaha, but you’d get the point). But to think about it thoroughly, phew, it requires a lot of courage (and practices) to become a dentist. Thus, I salute all of you for your courageous deeds!

***

So, it finally comes to this. I am not very good at bidding goodbye, so please understand the underlying ‘doleful’ tone haha. Of course I am happy because the 'sentence' has come to an end...but I am definitely going to miss those great kids - Aen and Zeety, the chair that always gave me a minor backache after sitting/lying on it for several hours, the odd smell of Poli B, the ‘drilling’ and suction noises, the X-ray room (and the countless radiography sessions yang tak menjadi! - and I remember how happy the duo was when the radiograph finally turned out great), the ortho band that managed to finally put a stop to my bad habit of biting nails (yup, serius susah kot nak gigit kuku with that band on!) and everything that has got to do with the place that I had frequented for the past three months.

Thank you Aen and Zeety for making this experience an eye opener, and a less frightening one =) (let me know when you plan to start practicing ‘for real’ in PJ/KL ye :D ) and my deepest gratitude to Prof Nik Noriah and her team at Faculty of Dentistry UM for nurturing these bright talents and making their services accessible to the public. Thank you.

Alia Zul is now officially signing off her duty as the lab rat =)

p/s: Aen, Zeety, would this kind of ‘testimony’ earn you better marks? hehehe

mentality

2011-03-26T23:31:00.000+08:00

Situation 1

A: Is that the kind of mentality that you have?
B: No. *grin
A: Then, what kind of mentality do you have? (hangin kerana soalan retoriknya tak diharapkan berjawab)
B: The kind that you don't have.. *kambing-ish grin again!

Situation 2

AN OBSERVATION

He likes her. She likes him. They like each other.

She likes the other him too. He too likes her. They like each other.

She likes him more than the other him. But the other him seems to like her more than him.

He likes $$$ more than her. She likes him more than the other him. The other him likes her more than any other girl.

Could they finally end up hating each other? You decide. - now it's complicated -.

Situation 3

Aku lapar. Sebab tu aku emo. Dan bila aku emo, aku pun tulis camni. Mr. F - bila la ko nak belajar, duit isn't everything. Ms.I - kumbang bukan sekor. Mr. M - cinta takleh dipaksa. Ms. Alia - teruslah menjadi observer dan pendengar yang setia! Dan silalah pergi makan sebelum ko merapu lebih lanjut lagi!

introvert itu dia

2011-03-25T23:32:00.000+08:00

memang kadang2 si introvert tu boleh jadi over friendly. dia ingin berkawan tapi tak pasti cara yang sesuai. aku tak rasa dia berniat buruk sebab aku pasti dia bukan pervert. tapi kadang2 orang terlalu pantas menilai, kerna itu permata tampak seakan kaca di mata mereka. sukar untuk beri kefahaman bila komunikasi terhalang. lagi sukar kalau tak ada sebarang komunikasi. aku perhatikan si introvert yang sudah broke the ice kembali menyepi kerana bimbang dipandang hina oleh orang. nak aje aku tepuk bahunya dan katakan tak mengapa, dunia ini begitu luas, jadi mengapa harus kau sempitkan dengan hanya pandangan satu manusia. berat tangan aku nak diangkat, berat lagi bahu dia yang terbeban rasa malu. aku simpati tapi tak berupaya. jangan mengalah wahai si introvert...

essays

2011-03-24T23:41:00.001+08:00

I had to write three essays in less than an hour. Well, she said there's no word or time limit, but I know my bro has limits to his patience haha, and he was waiting outside, so I told myself, whatever it was, I had to finish everything in 45 minutes (in case lah they'd wanna ask me some questions, which they didn't, in the end).

The first essay was supposed to be an argumentative one. I don't know what was I thinking when I decided to just choose one opinion and neglect the other. But then again, the nature of my writing did have the tendency to be a perspective essay, so I guess it should be ok. Still, it wasn't one of the good ones!

I had to write a food review for the second task. Well, I chose to, because I didn't come prepared (I didn't know that I'd have to write essays!) and that was one out of two topics that I sort of knew how to go about writing it. I decided to share my experience at Serai, the food I ate, the drink I had, the service, the website, but I forgot to say something about the price and the ambiance. I wrote at least 350 words on that topic alone! The first essay, I think, it was around 250 words.

The third essay, the one I spent the least time, had about 120-180 words. I reviewed a book, The Evolution of Calpurnia Tate. Unfortunately I forgot the writer's name, and came up with a 'pseudonym' haha - Josephine Stellar.. Sorry Jacquline Kelly, I can't recall at that time, I enjoy your book very much though :D. So I wrote a very positive review...but, I guess, nobody likes a one-sided review ay? Hmm..

On my way home, I kept on thinking about the essays I wrote, and I started to edit them in my mind. It has become a habit.

I guess, that's the best I can do under pressure - we'll see lah whether they think it's worth their time or not ya. Let's hope for the best!

Good night people!

^__^

Doing the TKD

2011-03-24T11:05:00.000+08:00

I've been posting quite a few old photos on FB recently. Some of them were from my TKD days. I've stopped training formally since I began my M.A. - time and financial constrains, of course. I love the art very much, but I can't deny that it's quite a pricey 'leisure' activity. I had almost got expelled from the Fed when I blogged about how they make money through seminars etc., and I caused a lot of trouble to my instructor, Ms.T, for that entry - she was very understanding though and helped me a lot during the 'crisis'. I got a 3-months ban from all tournaments, had to delete the whole blog, and wrote an apology letter. If you ask me, I personally think that the punishment was quite harsh, especially when you're dealing with a 19-year-old who blogged her heart out about something that she really loves. Tapi, let bygone be bygone lah...

***

Ms. T once made a claim (out loud) in the class, "all of you can claim the same thing, but if Alia sees it differently, I'll believe her" - haha, see how much 'influence' I had on my instructor. I was her right-hand-'man' when it comes to timing and counting. If the other students tried to cheat, she would straight away asked me whether they were telling the truth or not. I was Ms. T's pet, I guess haha, but mind you, it ain't easy being the teacher's pet. But, at LTA, we were a family, and I love all of my teammates though at times we did have some serious fight going on.. yeah, we sorted things out by sparring most of the time (forced to!).

LTA has a very special spot in my heart. I've laughed and cried with them, had blue black marks on my face and limbs for and because of them, had defied the odds together with them.

I really wanna go back and get my 3rd Dan. But I know, many of my friends no longer practices TKD. I guess life has sort of taken us away from Ms. T one by one...and that's why she's now concentrating on her other home - the ice-skating rink! She's the coach there and her kids love her very much. I remember seeing her photos when she won the Asia Figure Skating Championship. This lady is definitely an awesome character! She only learned how to skate in her 30s and she won the gold medal! Dahsyat kan? She also learned to play keyboard and drum by ear! Pergh, tell me about it! I went for drum lesson for 3 months and I can't play that much. Phew, talk about gifts and talent!

I need to make a comeback..soon. And Ms. T, I'll fulfill my promise to you ;)

something from the past

2011-03-21T23:52:00.001+08:00

I was looking for a document that I have to bring tomorrow for the JPJ temu-siasat, had to go through some old stuff and found my school magazine which was published when I was in form 5. yeah, that long ago!

So I browsed the magazine and had a good laugh at some of the old photos, I even read the creative section where students sent in their poems, articles etc. Then I found something rather special ^__^ stuck between the pages. It was a letter from my puppy-love relationship. A love letter from Barod, they used to call him by that name at school, though his name is far better than that haha..

borrowed from Freaking News.com

I wonder where and how he is now. Married with two kids perhaps? Haha, wow, I really miss him and my school days!

Oklah enough of reminiscing the past, need to go to bed now =D .

p/s: Barod and I decided to end the relationship when we were in form 4 because he went to a different school and that's about it, no fight, no tears, just one final letter, a sweet one indeed :) a very nice guy, he was... Barod, wherever you are now, I hope you have a blissful and wonderful life, and you're enjoying every moment of it ^__^

retail therapy

2011-03-19T23:40:00.001+08:00

ok,this might be one of my rarest confession. i am not a shopaholic (and im sure you can judge it well after knowing me for three days). however, today i felt great shopping for amjad's clothes and book,a pair of sandals for my sister and a few other things for myself. it took my mind off the trauma that leFt me sleepless the day before. this is definitely a great feeling ;)

If all my wisdom teeth are extracted

2011-03-19T00:03:00.000+08:00

...what will be left of my wisdom (pun intended) ^_^. Yeap, that's why wisdom is not measured by how many teeth you have. Lucky me!

I've lost count on how many visits have I had since my 'teeth nightmare' began. It's been almost year since my first visit, 3 wisdom teeth have so far been extracted,and one tooth is currently under rct. I had my 3rd wisdom tooth extracted just now. I thought my first two molars were the worst experience ever, but I was wrong. This 3rd tooth gave me a real hard time this morning. I almost cried! Kenapa la aku ni cengeng sangat lately ni! Eih, silap, not the tooth, tapi the procedure.

The expert kept on asking if the pain that I was complaining about was just pressure or real pain...ok, I have to admit that I don't know much about dentistry and dental health,but I do know the difference between pain and pressure. When you are punched in the stomach,hand quickly pulled back, glove on, that could be just pressure, not so much pain. However, when you are kicked full strength at the ribs, yes, that is pain! Having sparred in many, many tourneys will enable you to differentiate pain from pressure. When your coach is yelling outside the ring instructing you how to fight, now that is pressure. But when you receive a blow to your head, that is pain! When you almost had your fingers and elbow fractured after the plank breaking drill, yeah, that is PAIN!

My past experience with the two molars, I had at least 3-4 LA catridges for my upper tooth, and for the lower one. I even had stitches for it because they had to cut the jaw or something. I do understand that different people have different pain tolerance, and I definitely am not going to pretend that I am Badang and you can pull out my tooth whichever way you like and I'll just go back and drink up some puke tonic and be strong and healthy again...if you ask me, was I angry being asked such question..no I was not. But as much as I have faith in the experts and the students, I feel that they also need to trust me when I say it's pain and not just mere pressure.

I'm glad that they've taken out the tooth (despite the minor hiccup that has obviously left a negative impression on me - the pain itself was enough to traumatize me, the procedure, ish3 hangpa bayang la sendiri) because I no longer need to deal with the excruciating pain. But thinking of having to extract another molar (for the fear that it might 'grow out of its proportion') really disturbs me lah...I can still hear the cracking sound ringing in my ears.

I'm sure after this the dentist won't need to ask me "awak, ada asah gigi tak semasa tidur?" (asah - lol!). "cannot asah mah, you pull all my wisdom teeth oredi, can no longer asah it while sleeping, can only asah when awake...ha, please pass me the batu asah ^__* "

***

Pain does induce creativity...

Kepala dah sakit, so it's time for bed.

Good night people, and have a good weekend! ;)

Salam.

back at being a lab rat

2011-03-16T21:53:00.001+08:00

My dearest dentists, this entry is dedicated to you ;)

**

I am back at being a "lab rat" and im enjoying every moment of it haha. yes,it sounds weird,i know. but i really like my teeth being "pampered" with all those treatments (but staying 'static' for almost 3 hours wasn't part of the enjoyment). when im done with my rct,i really should treat my dentists to a lunch or something.but knowing how hectic their schedule is, i think im gonna buy them chocolate instead, a really big one! (bukan kedekut, just being thoughtful haha).

borrowed from Croquille Master

***

last night i had one of the worst toothache ever! the aching started the day before, but last night it hit the maximum (I hope) point. the left side of my face up to my left shoulder were severely in pain. my eyes, my ears, my nose and my collar bone felt like they were about to fall out of place - throbbing pain on my upper gum, upper jaw, cheekbone and frankly, i wanted to cry really bad, but thinking that it will only worsen my condition, i forced myself to fight the tears!

borrowed from www.rainbayart.com

i sms-ed my one of my dentists many, many times throughout the painful ordeal, asking for her advice and opinion, and i really pity her because it must be very stressful handling a patient like me hahaha (reminds me of my students hahaha, sorry people, didn't mean it in a negative way, i did enjoy entertaining all your questions, no matter how trivial they were :D ).

as the pain grew worse, i took pcm to ease the pain. unfortunately, after more than an hour, nothing seemed to happen. so i asked my dentist whether i can take the painkiller or not. she gave me the green light saying that pcm and ponstan are from different group of drugs so i won't be overdosed. fuhhhh lega! so i gulp it with plain water and tried to sleep. but the pain still refused to go away. by 9pm, I was already fed up with my situation and resorted to colgate pro relief. i applied some of the toothpaste onto my upper gum and my teeth. oklah, it provided a temporary relief. so i sms-ed my dentist yet again to inform her of my little experiment:

"U might wanna note this observation down. d 'culprit' is d tooth with d ortho band. when applied with colgate pro relief, it provides temporary relief. but as it mixes with saliva, d patient tends to swallow it and has to re-apply d solution. not good huh?"

You see, when I am in pain, my creative nerves would automatically kick in and I'll start being analytical of almost everything to distract myself. Unfortunately, the pain was still there and became even more severe.


borrowed from Spell Saab

Almost an hour past my experiment, I went down and forced my sister, yes literally forced her because at that time she was holding her baby (haha, dah aku sakit nak buat camne!), to apply her acupuncture skills on me to ease the pain. she reluctantly agreed and passed the baby to her husband.

she pricked the needle onto my face: one on my temple, and one on each cheekbone; one on my left hand, one on my left shoulder, two on my left arm. i was still struggling with pain, but i managed to lie down and did some breathing technique i picked up from a shiatsu book and my experience learning qigong not long ago. and i took another go at ponstan (ah tak kira lah, dah sakit sangat ni, and it was almost 4 hours gap between the first and the second intake, though ain reminded me that it should be 8 hours instead). after a few minutes, i started to feel slightly better. after an hour or so, i took out all the needles and felt a lot better. the pain has subsided and i felt relieved. so i had to send a final sms to my dentist telling her that i was ok now. she was relieved too. when i wanted to send her one final (ok this time betul2 final lah hehe) sms, i realized that i had ran out of credit hahaha..fuhhh dasat sungguh, baru je siang tadi top-up. teruknya la aku deal with pain sampai kena drag dentist aku sekali! sorry ain, nanti saya belanja choc ok ;)

at the moment, i could feel a slight pain 'pulsating' on my upper gum but im trying to ignore it. blogging helps too, hence here I am.

i hope when im done with all these treatments, i won't have anymore problem with my teeth and my gums and my jaws and my face :D

to ain and zeti (i hope ive spelt your name correctly), thank you for the concern and kindness shown. both of you will be great dentists in the near future insha Allah and I pray the very best for you! ;)

***

signed,

alia-the-certified-lab-rat

short post

2011-03-09T21:32:00.000+08:00

Got a letter from JPJ saying that I ignored the red light in Gombak, Nov last year.. really lah! so takde mood now!

Wanna write lotsa things..but not in the mood to do so..

Good night!

can you...

2011-03-04T23:41:00.000+08:00

fall in love with someone you've never met,never spoken to,never heard his voice,nor ever saw in person. the only thing you have is just a photo,or two (including the one on his fb page).can you miss a guy whom you have never exchanged words nor looks. can you heart beat twice faster just by the thought of him?can you fall for a complete stranger?oh mr.stranger you definitely have something so special in you that i can't stop dreaming of you...

Not everybody can afford IDEALS

2011-03-02T18:44:00.002+08:00

things that people say to one another can sometimes make them look rather arrogant and foolish at the same time. some of your world views and practices might work for you but not for the next person, therefore don't waste your or their time preaching about your ideals. you can of course share your opinions and perspectives but you can't force them on other people.

borrowed from RedCurse - Anti Anorexia: Kill the ideals

you see, not everybody can afford your ideals, because this is the real world.

wake up and smell the coffee...and don't get drifted in your ideals and condemn those who refuse to share and adopt them.

When faced with the need to make a decision

2011-02-28T09:52:00.000+08:00

I had earlier wanted to blog about books and how I choose them to be part of my reading list. However, last week I got a phone call from a private college offering me a job. I went to the interview about three weeks ago, and I deemed it to be a failure because I had to wait for more than 2 hours and when the interviewer finally stepped into the room, we started off on the wrong foot and mind you, my foot was stepped the whole time during the interview! I know that recruiters could sometimes play the annoying persona to test your ability facing pressure, but I had waited for more than 2 hours and I was already at a boiling stage then! So, I simply 'underperformed' for the interview and she kept questioning about my qualification as a teacher because I never had any teacher training. She asked me questions like, "how do you teach this, this?" and before I could elaborate she'd commented "this is the problem when you're not a trained teacher!", "have you ever been on any training at all", when I tried to explain that I had attended two six-day training on the basics of teaching and the basics of lecturing in English, she arrongantly dismissed my experience "six days?that's not enough? who said six days is ever enough?"... I was really tired of waiting and even more so with her antics, so I decided to play dumb - if you think I am a fool, yeah go ahead, I know my teaching standard and I am pretty sure you'd be impressed if you got to see it, so go ahead and call me ill-qualified whatever, I'm not going to be bothered by this nonsense cause hell I am tired waiting for your slow-moving ar**!!!

The interview ended sourly, of course I didn't say things that I really wanted to slam right on her face, but when she asked me for my expected salary, I gave a rather big number which I knew she would definitely diasgree (yeah, I was trying to pissed her off even more!)

"no,no,no...I am sure the HR wouldn't allow THAT to happen!",
"yeah?",
"yes (sour-faced), you only have a first degree, and it's the norm here for first degrees to earm XXXX, maybe with your 4 years experience, they would add two hundred the most!",
"really?" (trying to look innocently annoying),
"what's the lowest that you can go?"
"RM500 lesser" (still big, I know haha)
"no, can't do. the HR would never give you such amount, you don't even have a master's degree!"
"really?" (yeah, i love annoying this lady)

So when I received the call from HR telling that I was successful (I was told that I was supposed to attend a 2nd interview by this sour-grape-interviewer) and can start immediately, I felt like laughing.

Can I work with this person, who would be my superior and has all the opportunities and the upper hand to squash me into tiny bits?
Can I leave the baby that I am currently babysitting and the one whom I've grown a fond attachment?
Work = money, stable job = stable money.
Work = pressure, stable job = continuous pressure and most probably in my case endless torture

So...what should I do now?

What a relief!

2011-02-21T09:39:00.001+08:00

Yeah I know this would sound awkward.

But I've just seen some photos of your wedding from my cousin's fb page, yup he posted some of your photos there. I didn't mean to stalk but he wished me birthday, so I went to his page to say thanks and found your photos there.

As I said earlier, this would sound awkward, but truly IA, I am very happy for you because you're glowing on your wedding day...Congratulations! truly from the very bottom of my heart and I am very happy for you. Wow, this is a great relief knowing that you're really happy. And to be honest, I didn't expect that I'd be very relieved and happy for you. Wow! I guess, yes, we've chosen our own path and that was a wise decision.

All best IA and I am really, really glad you're very happy :) ... wow, I still can't believe I am happy! what a funny feeling! hahaha..

Still on birthday

2011-02-20T23:33:00.000+08:00

Yup, another entry on my birthday.

It's funny how this year has brought a lot of wonderful surprises before, during and after my birthday. It started with a surprise party planned by my siblings, then my best friend, Intan, and my former colleagues, Int and Shazlyn decided to surprise me with a birthday lunch and karaoke outing yesterday and today, my parents and sister got me a watch. A very handsome watch indeed, not handsome as in pricey, but handsome as in good looking. When I saw that watch, I felt 'macho' instantly hahaha...When I put it on my wrist, I couldn't stop admiring it..Yeah, I know..aku poyo!

Terima kasih, mama papa, adik beradik dan sahabat-sahabat yang aku sayang kerana sudi menyambut birthday aku dengan pelbagai kejutan... You don't get to be 28 everyday ayyy! lol!

Things that I've done differently this year to 'celebrate' my birthday:

1) I bought my own birthday cake and shared it with the whole family.
2) I called Atuk instead of her calling me on my birthday in the past years.
3) I bought myself a birthday gift! A book - The Evolution of Calpurnia Tate by Jacqueline Kelly

I'm going to blog on how I ended up buying that book which I picked by chance at Kinokuniya later.

Have a good night and good rest people.

Thank you Allah for such a wonderful birthday! Alhamdulillah!

Another year

2011-02-17T01:00:00.000+08:00

And hopefully it would be better than the previous ones..May Allah shower His Love and Mercy on me and forgive all my sins..Hope to be a better person overall..Hope to achieve better things in life..Hope to be able to share more..And hope there's somebody out there to share it with..

Happy birthday Alia!

*and it's funny how 2 & 2+6 makes you feel...


borrowed from Blog da Loira

Growing up and growing old are difficult..but staying stagnant is even more complicated.. Alhamdulillah for all His blessings..

show me the money

2011-02-16T00:19:00.000+08:00

i should not and will not swear nor say bad things at you because of your ill-considerate attitude and your irresponsibilities. i wish i could give you a piece of my mind,a croco or two and a lengthy lecture on leadership, but i guess i'd only waste my time on you. just remember this, what goes around comes around and when reality hits you,you can start posting your apologies on my fb wall,thank you!

Apple Hill String Quartet

2011-02-14T10:55:00.000+08:00

I went to watch the Apple Hill String Quartet performance at the Actor's Studio Lot 10 on Feb 9, 2011. This was my first ever experience watching musicians playing string instrument (other than guitar) live on stage. They played a few classical numbers (I think, as I was pretty much clueless about classical songs) and it was amazing to see how their body moved in accordance to the rhythm that they played. You could feel the emotions flowing out of their body into the instrument. It was definitely a great experience! Thank you kak Izan for bringing me to the show. Here are some of the photos I managed to snap during the show. I don't have a flash unit (must get one soon! - anyone wanna buy me that for my coming birthday? Hehehe).

The Apple Hill String Quartet wasn't the only performer for that night. The organizer had also invited Dewangga Sakti to perform. They played folk songs or better known as lagu rakyat. I'd have to say that their show was very entertaining too, minus the last part when a guy who appeared to be 'wacko' (pretend, I guess - and part of the show) came on stage and started dancing. I didn't know whether to laugh or to feel annoyed. But Tina was very professional, she's the media attache of the U.S Embassy, though being 'forced' to come up in front and dance with the guy, she still kept her cool. Cayalah!

Mr. Zul explaining about Dewangga Sakti

The 'dancing' took place during the collaboration of Apple Hill S.Q and Dewangga Sakti. They were playing Injit-injit semut - a very popular folk song which reminds me of "Hantu Kak Limah Balik Rumah".

Our M.C for the night, Fynn Jamal

Apple Hill String Quartet's 'chief' (?)

The collaboration

didn't know whether I should laugh or feel annoyed

Group photo - I wasn't part of the act =)

Overall, I had a great night at the Actor's Studio Lot 10. Thanks to the U.S Embassy for organizing such interesting event and thank you to Apple Hill S.Q and Dewangga Sakti for such an entertaining performance.

Adieu Prof. Lim Chee Seng

2011-02-07T19:30:00.000+08:00

i received a very devastating news just now.our great professor of shakespeare, prof Lim Chee Seng passed away today. Prof Lim was a great man and an even greater teacher. I had never been fond of Shakespeare,the only time I enjoyed his plays was when Prof Syed Nasir taught me the course. But this was before I met Prof Lim, like Prof Syed Nasir, many people regard him as The Authority on Shakespeare. Taking up two courses with him at UM has opened my eyes to many new things about Shakespeare and literature as well as life in general. I will always remember Prof Lim as the man who valued people's opinion and most importantly a man who respected other people's religion and beliefs. This was a man who respected my religion and allocated us,the muslim students, to have 15 mins break to pray maghrib and buka puasa whenever we had class between 6-9pm. When I had a heated argument with a fellow classmate about gender issues in milton's paradise lost,he was the one who stepped in and reminded us of the importance to respect one another regardless of our beliefs and understanding. Prof Lim was a great teacher because he saw potentials in every one of his students and he kept making us feel that we are special in our own way and our opinion counts. Prof Lim, you'll be greatly missed and will be forever remembered for your kindness and wisdom.

FEAR NO MORE - WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

Fear no more the heat o' the sun;
Nor the furious winter's rages,
Thou thy worldly task hast done,
Home art gone, and ta'en thy wages;
Golden lads and girls all must,
As chimney sweepers come to dust.

Fear no more the frown of the great,
Thou art past the tyrant's stroke:
Care no more to clothe and eat;
To thee the reed is as the oak:
The sceptre, learning, physic, must
All follow this, and come to dust.

Fear no more the lightning-flash,
Nor the all-dread thunder-stone;
Fear not slander, censure rash;
Thou hast finished joy and moan;
All lovers young, all lovers must
Consign to thee, and come to dust.

No exorciser harm thee!
Nor no witchcraft charm thee!
Ghost unlaid forbear thee!
Nothing ill come near thee!
Quiet consummation have;
And renowned be thy grave

surprise surprise

2011-02-07T15:39:00.000+08:00

just when you thought everything is going downhill...it doesn't necessarily have to go all the way down! =)

last saturday, my bro invited us for lunch at his home. when i asked him, what was this about, he simply said, "saje la ajak makan2". so on that day, we put on our nice clothes and prepared ourselves for the promised lunch. at about 11am, niz txt-ed me saying that she's going to subang with jim to send some stuff to a customer. i didn't reply because i was busy doing some errand. she then called me to re-inform me about it and told me to text her when i were about to leave the home. i said ok, put down the phone and get ready for the lunch. at about 1230, we were ready to go, so i text-ed niz to inform her.

the road was very clear on that day. no jam what-so-ever as malaysians were still busy celebrating CNY and enjoying the long weekend. our journey took about 20 minutes. and when we reached abang's home, i saw niz's car outside (cepat betul budak ni sampai!). i press the bell and i heard abang's voice asking us to wait for a while.

after about 1 minute, i saw jim opening the gates, Ui then parked the car inside. when we were about to enter the house, the maz's, ejean's and abang's kids were singing happy birthday loudly together with the other family members. i was pretty confused at that time and didn't know how to respond because i wasn't sure whether it was for me or for my dad, but towards the end of the song..."happy birthday to atok and l**" I went red..maluuuu..

so on that saturday, they actually planned a surprise birthday party for me and papa. our birthdays are on the second and third week of february, but they wanted to celebrate it in advance because both of our birthdays fall on weekdays so it'd be difficult for everyone to get together and party =)

thank you my dearest family for such a beautiful day! thank you Allah for blessing me with a great family!

*when i was getting ready to go back home, my brother gave me a piece of paper with my name on it. I smiled a lot more upon receiving this and thanked him. Alhamdulillah, when you're feeling down, and out of the blue you get something that really brighten your mood, it shows that Allah knows best. Susah yang sementara ini dapat mendekatkan kita pada dia. Senang yang panjang mungkin lama dah melalaikan kita. Alhamdulillah..thank you Allah. Semoga hidup aku, keluarga dan rakan2 semuanya akan diberkati dan diredhai Allah. Amiiin..

happy new year

2011-02-02T21:41:00.000+08:00

this year the chinese new year comes slightly earlier than the previous years. tonight,many of my friends who celebrate new year according to the lunar calendar will be having the reunion dinner. i bet some have had their dinner as early as 630pm. it must be a very happy event when a big family get together and enjoy the feast with each other. i myself come from a very big family. even the everyday dinner felt like a small kenduri. now that everybody has grown up and has their own family, i kind of miss that 'noisy' and 'chaotic' dinner when every one of us tried to attract our parents' attention while sharing with the rest of the family about our day at school and work. dinner and lunch time were perhaps the best time for us to get together. my father who worked nearby would always come back for lunch. so if we finished school on time,we would be able to eat with him. now,there are eight of us at home.yup,still a pretty big number haha. my younger brothers are still in school,my sis n bro in law are working. so during lunch time, the small kenduri becomes even smaller. however, dinner is a different story. there are 12 chairs at the dining table and most of them will be occupied during dinner. on weekends, if we are lucky, we will be able to experience the smaller kenduri we once enjoyed everyday again.i guess the crowd just gets bigger when everybody comes home bringing their spouses and kids. yup,they have kids!a big addition to the big family. i guess having a big family is always,or at least most of the time, fun! yup fun,fun,fun..of course there were times when we fought and quarrelled and shouted, it's like a second nature to us,but we know when we say sorry we really mean it. and when we parted,we prayed hard that weekend will come ASAP! HAPPY NEW YEAR TO THOSE CELEBRATING IT! MAY IT BRING MANY MANY JOY,HAPPINESS AND BLESSINGS..

My dark poems

2011-01-27T09:43:00.000+08:00

I was looking for a notebook to jot down some Mandarin lesson that I hoped to pick up over youtube. Yes, I need to do something fruitful in my free time :) .. Then I found my old notebook. It contains a few poems I wrote somewhere in 2003, yeap, almost eight years ago. And I was quite surprise to find that some of them were very dark and talking about death. Well, I certainly can't remember why I was so upset at that time that I wrote such things.

Here's one of them, and it's written in Malay. I don't normally opt for Malay, for if I did so, it must be something that really, really disturbed me.

Percaturan Ke Neraka (see the title also is a scary one hahaha)

Aku kesatria-kah?
Atau sekadar gurkha?
Aku panglima-kah?
Atau sekadar sida-sida?
Bukan JANTAN
Tidak pula wanita

Aku punya suara
Tapi tak mampu bicara
Aku punya ketegasan
Tapi tak berdaya memutuskan
Aku punya keinginan
Tapi kematian akal

Gerakkan aku wahai pencatur
Ku bernafas tapi tak bernyawa
Melainkan kau yang memegangnya
Aku cuma ingin MATI!

Phew, reading it alone give me goosebumps! (bukan cuba mengangkat bakul ye!) I mean, to think of my emotional state at that time to write such poem. Memanglah tak se-vulgar dan sengeri puisi2 Wilfred Owen mengenai perang, atau Emily Dickinson mengenai kematian, but still this is not the kind of theme that you'd be seeing me writing these past few years. Lawak juga aku ni sebenarnya bila tengah jiwa kacau! Hihihi...

To be positive, start thinking and acting positively!

2011-01-26T15:24:00.000+08:00

I guess I've been quite negative for the past few weeks. Being in a quiet unfavourable position has sort of dampened my spirit and made me become negative towards many things in life. But life always promises unexpected turns that sometimes forced positivity and happiness onto you. And all you can do is submit and smile :)

**

A very old friend sms-ed me this morning. She's getting married and asked for my address to send the invitation card.

H: Salam. A***, ni H**i, ingat lagi tak? Nak mintak add. Tq
Me: Salam. H**i*** S ke H**i M*****h (I know, if somebody calls me A***, she must be my schoolmate or somebody very close to me. Tapi saje nak tease dia kalau betul she's my long lost H**i :) )

H: H**i*** S (pendek jawabnya, mungkin bengang sebab kawan lama dah lupa..jangan marah babe, aku main2 je)
Me: Oo..tentulah ingat, sepupu B**** yang comel yang aku selalu buli tu kan. bla bla bla

Wow, I didn't realize that I really missed this girl, very, very much! The last time I saw her when was we crossed path at a shopping complex in Puchong. That was waaaaayyyy back in early 2000, if I'm not mistaken. We kept sending each other hari raya cards until that one year when I made a silly remark because I didn't get a card from her. I was upset at that time, merajuklah because she was one of my best friends and silly me for doing so. The next day, I received a card from her. The date on the card was 3 weeks earlier than the one stamped on the envelope. I guess, it's hari raya kan, so all the mails were a bit delayed. I felt very, very stupid after that. I said sorry to her in an SMS..she said it's ok. But then, we just stop there.

When I received her SMS this morning, I was delighted! She still keeps my number! And silly me for not trying to reach her after the incident. Well, I did sms-ed her, but I guess I didn't put in enough effort to really salvage the friendship. Jahat dan bodohnya aku!

H**i, I really miss you and our sweet memories when we were in school. Now that you're getting married, I hope you'll forever be happy. You're a good friend to me and I will always remember you in that way. Love you babe!

***

Well, it's life and its unexpected turns. Now I'm all chirpy and excited! I hope this positive vibes will continue to linger around me. Amiiin

Selamat Kembali

2011-01-25T18:24:00.000+08:00

Pagi tadi, lebih kurang jam 5, terima sms dari N*r**. Katanya Huda mohon jasa baik semua untuk mendoakan ayahnya yang kritikal kerana jangkitan paru-paru dan kegagalan jantung. Pada ketika itu, dia masih mendapat rawatan di PPUM. Aku bangun tidur dengan acuh-tak-acuh mendoakan kesejahteraannya. Satu perkara yang menjadi rutin bila mendapat sms begini, hampir jadi 'automated' mendoakan orang sebegitu. Aku tau tak baik. Bila aku dah betul2 bangun dan baca sms tu sekali lagi, barulah aku sempat mendoakan kesejahteraannya dengan baik dan penuh kewarasan.

Bila aku bagitau mama pasal sms tu pagi tadi, mama cakap jomlah kita melawat, tanyakan N*r** wad dia kat mana. Aku pun buat seperti yang disuruh dan telefonlah kakakku yang di Muar tu. Setelah dapat semua details yang diperlukan, mama cakap kita akan pergi melawat tengahari ni atau petang nanti. Aku ok ajela, takde fikir atau rasa ape2. Tak sampai lima minit lepas tu, N*r** call balik. Mama yang pick up. Aku tiba2 dengar mama cakap "Innalillah hi wa inna ilaihi rajiun". Pengetua sekolah aku, yang juga bapa Huda, Mudir Khairul Anuar telah kembali ke rahmatullah tengahari hari ini.

Aku akan sentiasa ingat Mudir sebagai seorang cikgu yang tegas dan baik hati yang dah banyak mengajar kami semua di H*r*'. Dialah yang mengajar kami doa rabitah, dan paksa kami semua menghafalnya dan akan uji kami semasa perhimpunan harian. Terima kasih Mudir, sampai hari ini pun aku masih ingat lagi doanya. Mudir juga orang yang bertanggungjawab menjadikan aku lebih berani 'menghadapi' hantu. Mudir tegas orangnya, jadi bila dia wajibkan kami semua lalu paya semasa aktiviti nightwalk, tak siapa berani cakap tidak. Kami lagi 'takut' Mudir dari hantu :) itulah hebatnya Mudir Khairul Anuar. Banyak pengalaman manis sebenarnya semasa aku di H*r*' walaupun aku jarang bercakap mengenai pengalaman aku di sana. Banyak juga kenangan itu berkait rapat dengan Mudir kesayangan semua.

Semoga Allah membalas semua jasa2 Mudir Khairul Anuar dengan rahmat dan kasih sayang Nya yang tiada tandingan. Semoga Allah pilih Mudir kesayangan kami untuk menjadi sebahagian dari orang2 kesayanganNya. Semoga kita yang ditinggalkan sementara ini akan sentiasa mendoakannya dan mengambil segala perkara baik yang telah ditinggalkan untuk kita bersama.

Al-Fatihah buat Mudir Khairul Anuar.

down with fever and flu

2011-01-17T22:10:00.000+08:00

and still went to see my student-dentist.dont wanna trouble her fixing another appointment with her supervisor.attempted 4 x-ray,none worked out they way they wanted it to be.we kept going back and forth to the x-ray room,even the radiographer gave up. i realized how stubborn i must have been all this while that even my teeth were heavily influenced haha.im grateful that the dentists-to-be, a*n and *eety were very patient and gentle,alhamdulillah.. its time to say good night,eyes are heavy - cough syrup - the culprit..good night everyone

Quickie updates

2011-01-11T22:48:00.000+08:00

I am trying to blog at least once a week. No matter how short, I will force myself to write. Why? Cause I ain't gonna abandon something that I've started. So here's some quick updates on my life.

1) Jalan-jalan Singapura.

Yup, finally got the chance to see Singapore. Of course I had a lot of presumptions before entering the lion's city. I thought it would be super clean, super strict, super rigid and super superficial. Some of my presumptions were correct, some needed alterations but overall Singapore I believe is trying to be less kiasu these days. And for that, thumbs up for her. One thing I really cannot tahan is, although the toilets were clean, they didn't have water hose or bidet in it. Aiyakkk, clean but got smell. So I didn't go to the toilet at the shopping malls! I went to the one at the mosque where I stopped for Zuhr prayer.

Food wise, erm..we had mamak food all day long because we couldn't find malay stalls anywhere near the places we went. I tried the murtabak Singapura, 7 dollars, yet quite worth it la because dua orang makan pun kenyang sangat2. Will write more about Singapore later, if I have the time and the 'heart' to lah..

2) Another dental date.

Pity my student-dentist. She accidentally poured hot water on her thigh yet she still came to work this morning because she had made an appointment with me, what a darling! Yelah, I mean professional lah. She was on mc but still showed up for work because she didn't want to postpone the appointment.

So today I had an ortho band inserted in between my teeth. I didn't know that you could put a 'metal band' in someone's mouth other than those who are wearing braces. Now I am having this metal in my mouth and I'm pretty conscious of its existence and that's making it hard on me to do things that I would normally do with that part of my mouth..I guess it would need some time to get use to.

3) Job-hunting

Yes, I am officially on a job-hunt. More interviews and contracts coming my way ^__^

4) Hubby-hunting

Can I do such thing? Hahaha..just kidding. I'm actually very much involved in photography right now and on the hunt for a flash unit. Didn't buy it last time because didn't have enough money. But I guess after the 15th of this month I would have enough to buy a good one. Hopefully I would be able to get my hands on one soon. Will be hunting for point-and-shoot camera this Sunday for Doc. So I guess can also check out the flash.

Ok, that's all for now..good night people, have a good rest!

Can you handle the truth?

2011-01-06T23:11:00.000+08:00

We seek truth for the sake of understanding things. Sometimes we push our luck to the extreme, braved through many, many obstacles and when the truth finally appears, can we really handle it? I learned yet another lesson the hard way. I guess the whole of last year and these first two-weeks of the new year has been a great journey of learning about myself: rediscovering my strengths and understanding my weaknesses.

It ain't easy knowing that your first love had fallen out of love with you and has fallen for somebody else, but to learn that he's getting married to someone this very weekend, is pretty hard to swallow and to add salt to injury, he's marrying someone in your best friend's circle. A person very close indeed to your best friend. Phew, that's a really difficult feeling to explain!

Our relationship ended a few years ago, yet it still hurts to learn that he really is moving on and moving towards another phase in life. It's kinda pathetic right to blog about this. Yeah, what to do, I've always resorted to jotting down my feelings whenever I feel down or unhappy (ever since I was a kid). But when it comes to happy moments, I kinda skipped the practice ^__^.

I actually got to know about his wedding when I was browsing through my flickr account and showed a picture of him and his girlfriend to my best friend, I*. During our conversation, she cried and told me that she just received a wedding invitation. She didn't realize that the groom's name was similar to my ex until I showed her the picture.

I* is my best friend. She cried when I broke up with him. When I showed her our last email, she cried. I told her that I was ok. She didn't want to believe me. I couldn't cry at that time, but when I got home I went straight to bed and the next morning I woke up with bulging eyes. Today, when she told me that his name was on the invitation card, it reminded me of the LA that the dentist gave me yesterday. To 'erase' the pain before the painful procedure, she has to inject some drugs into my gum. But the injection itself was painful. In order to numb the gum i.e to reduce pain, I had to go through a 'minor' pain. That's how I felt when told about the wedding. I* cried for quite some time. I kept telling her I am ok. She seemed to refuse to believe. This evening I stared blankly outside. Lots of images floating across my mind. I cried a little, unlike last time and I made a promise to myself "this is the last time I am going to cry for and because of you, and this is the last time I am going to remember you, goodbye bitter sweet memories"

Another afternoon at the dentist

2011-01-05T19:07:00.000+08:00

I spent almost three hours with my mouth wide open (or at least I think it was wide enough, until the student put in a mouth-prop hehe) for a dental treatment today. Went to the PPUM Faculty of Dentistry, it was the final year students who were performing the endo molar treatment on me. I was told that it might take another 5 or 6 more times for the procedure to be completed.

Almost a year ago, I had two of my molars (booth were wisdom teeth) extracted because they've grown horizontally instead of vertically (can I describe it in such way? hahaha). So there was a gap between the wisdom tooth and the one just beside it and the dentist said it's going to be a food trap and there's a possibility that the tooth would push the one in front of it to the extent that all the 'neigbouring' teeth would be affected and senget as well.

Today, I came for a follow up treatment. I previously had had no fear what so ever when it comes to going to the clinic or dentist or hospital. But today when I entered the treatment zone, I started to panic. When I was asked to sit on the chair, I was kinda hesitant and when I tried to remove my sandals, I almost stumble! Luckily the students didn't see those panic symptoms haha. I was embarrassed with myself but somehow I managed to control it and start to breathe like normal.

Phew, after almost three hours the procedure ended and I was happy to walk as far away as possible from the treatment zone. But, erm..I still have to come in two weeks time..well,well, that's life, I guess...

New year!

2011-01-04T23:16:00.000+08:00

New direction, new motivation, new determination =)

Many unplanned things happened last year and many 'ghosts' from the past came to haunt me. Some were good, and some were not so good.

Quit my 'stable' job because I was tired of the surroundings, joined another organization that turned out to be even more sadistic. Did some part time jobs, teaching, editing, proof-reading. Got at least three job offers, but due to my current 'progress' I would only be able to accept any of them after the other party progresses (most probably somewhere in mid or end of January 2011, insha Allah). Didn't really have money but wasn't really broke. Above all, I still feel quitting from that stable job was the best thing I did last year (yeah I know, you'd probably be saying "I've told you, many, many years ago!" - yup, you're right. TQ).

This new year, I'm looking beyond the horizon, trying out some new things and hopefully they will work out well. I look forward to achieve even more in both my career and my life. Hope to make that next big step into a new phase of life.

Hope the new year will bring more and more great things for me and for you too! ;)

Happy New Year and may it be another blissful year!

3-0 was a yesterday news

2010-12-29T18:58:00.000+08:00

What about tonight? Of course we are expecting more great plays from our Harimau Muda, especially when they are playing away from home. Can they nail it this time? Well, Rajagobal feels that they are ready to put up a fierce fight, so let's hope that he's right.

Apparently the boys have fared well enough so far, just one more fight boys, let's make it a memorable one - a great closure to 2010, and perhaps a day off on the 31st? hehehe. There's always room for hopes! =)

So people, don't forget to tune in to TV1 or Astro Sports 813 to watch the final match between Malaysia and Indonesia. May the best team wins!

36th Anniversary

2010-12-25T16:31:00.000+08:00

Yeap, my parents happened to tie their knot on the 25th of December...and this year, it's their 36th anniversary. My parents certainly have a lot of differences and they are quite obvious too but they somehow managed to keep up with each other. Of course there were episodes of disagreement, quarrels and sulking, but I guess the laughter, the ability to forgive and the love in itself at the end of the day healed a lot of things or at least they made it appear to be that way. I guess love is just not about loving a person's good side and abilities, it is also about understanding one's own weaknesses and accepting other people's. Love is something so complicated that although you've spent 36 years together, you still have yet to be able to define it or explain it in words yet you can feel and sense its presence.

I know that my mom knows that my father isn't greatest man on earth and vice versa but they do complement each other. And what's great about watching them and growing up under their care for the past 27 years is that they kinda have sorted out that nobody's perfect and to love is a chain of responsibilities. If you really love your wife, you'd start putting your socks in the designated boxes perhaps. Maybe you'll forget and go back to your old habit. But for love's sake, you'd 'train' yourself to perhaps be more disciplined because you want to see that loving smile on your wife's face. And if you love your husband, you'd definitely be angry seeing him throwing his stuff around the house, yet you'd still pick them up, put them aside so that when he starts looking for them, he'll be able to find them.

I know I sound too idealistic at times...I can't help it, it's in the genes! haha..but seriously, not many people realize that the small, small things actually mean a lot to many people. these are things that we'll keep in our memory and we'll often revisit these especially when the person we love are far away from us or are long gone.

Hmm, I wish I'd find a person who can really appreciate me regardless of my weaknesses and drawbacks. And soon! :P

***

Have a happy holiday people!

Almost gone there...for a while

2010-12-22T18:27:00.000+08:00

I had totally forgotten the password for this account and I couldn't access this blog for quite some time, luckily I had posted a security question which I was able to recall what the answer was...Pergh, this is bad!

I guess I need to spend more time here..

Will blog more later.

In the mean time, happy holidays to all and merry Christmas to those who are celebrating it this Saturday!

Peringatan buat diriku yang lalai!

2010-10-19T17:42:00.000+08:00

Kadang-kadang aku tak fikir panjang sebelum melakukan sesuatu perkara. Kadang-kadang, sudah aku fikir sepuasnya, coba mengelak sebaiknya, tapi aku masih lagi INGIN melakukannya. Kalau hanya ingin, barangkali tidak mengapa kerana niat itu tidak diiring dosa. Tetapi, bila keinginan membuka jalan kepada melakukan, walau akal dan hati berdolak dalik dengan hati dan iman, seringkali hati dan iman dan akal tewas pada nafsu dan keinginan.

Umur aku bakal cecah 30 tak lama lagi, tapi tabiat lama masih sukar dikikis, sudah jadi seperti second nature kepada aku walaupun ayah bunda aku tak punya tabiat sebegitu - gigit kuku! Ya, satu masalah yang sangat, sangat, sangat sukar nak aku atasi. Dari kecil hinggalah dewasa ini, masih lagi aku menggigit kuku. Tabiat ini akan makin sukar dikawal bila aku stress ataupun terlalu memberi tumpuan kepada sesuatu perkara. Contohnya, kalau musim peperiksaan di sekolah dan universitas dahulu, keadaan kuku jari-jemari tanganku memang agak kronik berbanding musim2 lain. Kalau aku pergi nonton wayang, andai ada filem yang agak berat dan aku amat 'terlibat' dengan jalan ceritanya, secara otomatik aku akan mula menggigit kuku. Yang kelakar dan tak boleh diterima akal tu, bila bulan puasa, atau bila aku berpuasa..confirm kuku aku akan jadi lebih cantik. Dan tau pula tu, bila udah berbuka baru boleh gigit kuku. Aduh, kronik betul tabiat aku!

Kadang-kadang, aku berdialog dengan diri sendiri, cuba memikirkan apa yang telah aku lakukan. Apa yang telah terjadi dan bagaimana mahu menebus kesalahan yang aku buat. Gembirakah aku melakukan apa yang aku inginkan? Bahagiakah aku bila tahu keseronokan itu mengundang kecelakaan? Aku percaya Allah itu wujud, aku percaya Dia mampu menghukum aku kerana apa yang aku lakukan. Aku tahu apa yang aku lakukan itu dosa. Aku percaya Allah melihat apa yang aku lakukan...tapi, mengapa aku masih lakukannya?

Ayah bunda menghantar aku ke sekolah ugama sedari kecil lagi. Tatkala mereka yang sebaya mendukung beg, berlari pulang ke rumah tepat jam 12.30 tengahari, aku masih lagi di kelas ugama, menghafal ayat-ayat suci Al-Quran, mendengar syarahan dari kiyai dan muallim, muallimah. Hari-hari para alimin ini menceritakan kisah-kisah dari hadis dan Al-Quran, bagaimana Firaun, Qarun dan yang sekapal dengan mereka ditimpakan bala kerana enggan menerima yang HAQ. Mereka menceritakan bagaimana si Namrud yang gagah perkasa di medan perang tewas dengan seekor nyamuk! Mereka menggambarkan bagaimana wanita-wanita yang mengadu domba mengumpat dan mengeji, memakan daging sudara mereka sendiri. Mereka yang menipu, dipotong lidahnya berulang-kali dan sebagainya.

Aku membesar dengan 'privilege' sebegitu. Didedahkan dengan ilmu ugama sebagai perisai diri dan ilmu duniawi sebagai pelengkap. Tapi aku masih lagi 'vulnerable' dan tertarik dengan dosa-dosa yang ibaratnya punya magnet dan aku besinya. Aku tahu dosa, aku tahu pahala. Bila aku lakukan dosa, aku akan bermenung memikirkan gimana harus aku 'redeem' diri ini. Tapi tidak cukup lama kesadaran itu. Barangkali selesai lima menit, atau sapuloh paling lama, aku kembali ke kehidupan biasa seperti enggak ada apa2. Dan pabila aku terkenang dosa itu, akan aku tulis seperti yang sedang aku karang tika ini.

Kapan budi? Kapan? Kapan bisa kau menemukan jalan yang benar2 lurus, enggak ada bengkok-bengkok nya karena keinginan nafsu manusia kamu? Budi, bukan ini yang kamu mau sebenarnya dan kamu sendiri lebih arif lebih tahu yang kamu bisa buat yang lebih baik. Budi, Allah itu tidak akan mengobah nasib hamba-hambanya melainkan dia sendiri yang berusaha mengobahnya. Budi! Karangan ini biar jadi satu peringatan buat kamu yang senantiasa lalai!

Ya Allah, ya rabbul a'lamin, tidak ada tuhan lain yang aku sembah melainkan Engkau yang Maha Esa. Ampunkan lah dosa-dosaku sedari kecil. Lengkapkan lah diri aku dengan benteng perisai agar bisa aku tepis godaan dan fitnah nan mendatang. Ampunkan lah dosa-dosaku, dan bimbinglah aku, tunjukil ah aku jalan yang lurus yang telah Engkau tetapkan dan Kau jauhkan lah aku dari menyempang karena keinginan dan kelemahan aku sebagai hamba Mu ya rabbul jalil!

Series of brief ramblings

2010-10-13T16:47:00.000+08:00

- went back to M's hometown. every time i go there, i'd feel happy because i believe that is one of the places where you can meet and mingle with the least pretentious people. love the place!

- my grandma recently revealed something which i didn't know how to react to. she told me in front of my aunties and sisters that she had been praying for my jodoh for the whole of Ramadhan and prayed that Allah will open my heart to someone. Up to this day, I don't know how to explain my feelings upon hearing this. Of course I'm grateful that I have a very concerned grandma. but at the same time, I wonder if people think that I am the one who's been avoiding my jodoh all this while, being too picky or being too difficult to get close to etc.etc. It's quite disturbing actually..and on that particular day, when such 'info' was revealed to me, i was struggling with my emotions..when my aunt asked me, "im sure there are many single teachers at your school rite?" i could only manage to say that, "you know what, many male teachers especially those who did english language and literature are softies. so it's kinda difficult" - i know, it's very difficult not to defend yourself being 'judged' like that. Entahlah, if only i could share with all of you how i had tried to save my last relationship and how i've been attempting to start new ones..biarlah Allah yang menentukan segalanya..

- had an interview on thursday. i wasn't the first time i went to that place. the first interview was for an admin post. was told to try for a different post as my qualification is not in such area. so i went back home and re-apply because i felt the first wrong interview was quite 'successful' and fun! so when i attended the interview last thursday, i was expecting to again 'impress' my future employers. but i wasn't prepared for the questions to come. i felt quite frustrated although i knew that i did quite oklah for somebody who has no idea of teaching learners with zero english and only a few days to learn adequate english to survive...

- had another interview on tuesday. i thought it was an interview. but it was actually a meeting to discuss about the stuff that i'm going to teach. so i landed myself the part-time job. Alhamdulillah.

- submitted my dissertation, after binding it with tape, TWICE and was told that the binding was unacceptable. i needed soft rexine to bind it. ok, fine. went to the shop and asked them to do it. after 3 days, it will be done and i can submit to the faculty.

- ya Allah mudahkan lah perjalanan disertasi aku dari sini sehingga lah ke penghujungnya tanpa sebarang masalah..amiiin

Finishing line

2010-10-07T01:00:00.000+08:00

The very reason I am still up at this hour is because I have yet to complete some minor components of my dissertation. All the five chapters have been completed and proofread. I've done the abstract, the front cover and title page, the acknowledgement and the table of content. I have yet to recheck my bibliography and create the list of tables! I am soooooo tired today. I've been sitting in front of the pc from 2pm! Of course lah there were quite a few breaks in between kan.

Phew! It's been four years since I started going back to school. No more heavy backpacks but many, many much heavier tasks to be completed. I guess the real challenge was to be patient and to keep my sanity in check.

I'm telling you this, if you're not serious about studying and being persistent at it, do not, i repeat, DO NOT attempt to do postgraduate degree!

It's difficult to balance up your job committment with your classes and your other social, familial obligations! Yup, this is very true. Although many managed to graduate, it took them years to complete their dissertation or thesis, and it took a lot of sacrifice, not only on their part, but also on the part of the people they loved and loved them.

If one day you find yourself toying with the idea of doing a postgrad degree, ask yourself whether you really need it or not. if it's for the sake of career advancement, go for it. if it's for self-improvement, yes, go for it too..but, please bear in mind the sacrificies that you and your loved ones are expected to make. there are many other ways as well for you to improve yourself and advance in your career. so give it a very deep thought!

Alhamdulillah, Allah is the Almighty, I am finally arriving at the finishing line after a very long and challenging marathon. Good luck to those who are going to join or are still in the race. Patience is a virtue that we should all cherish.

Allahu'alam..

Salam.

Raya diary

2010-09-16T10:26:00.000+08:00

This year I am having a very long holiday for Eid. We are having fun visiting our relatives almost everyday and spending more time with each other.

Day 1

Tok's place, as usual. The house wasn't as packed as last year because my uncles and aunties were spending their first raya at their mertua's place. There were only us, kak M*da & family, TT, uncle J & family, Uncle T & family and Pak Long & family who arrived after 'Eid prayer. Usually the house is packed with at least 10 families, yeah, talk about big family! hehehe..

Every year, my mom will cook Lontong (nasi impit & kuah lodeh). Tok and Cu will prepare the lemang. Cik will do the rendang and the rest of us will assist them in completing the task. Usually I would help Cu grill the lemangs, however, this year I had to attend an interview on that particular Thursday, so I had to go back a lil bit later than my parents. When I arrived, the lemang was already being served for buka puasa.

Tok Su's house will serve laksa on the first day of Syawal together with mi sup. Laksa and teh tarik kaw are Tok Su's specialties. Thus, every year, we will go beraya at her house just to eat the laksa hehehe.

Before going to Tok Su's house, we went to Tok Cik's place. It's just in front of Tok's house so normally it would be the first house that we would visit.

Day 2

It has become a routine to visit Mak Teh on the second day of Raya because she would cook nasi tomato and order laksa for us. However, this year she prepared nasi lemak and nasi putih with plenty of lauk and also laksa.

After coming back to KL, Ejean visited us almost everyday because her kid enjoyed playing with the kids at my home.

Last night we went to Ejean's house. Terasa macam kat Genting, sejuk atas bukit tu :D. We had naan with kurma minced beef, and ice-cream for desert. Masih terasa kenyang lagi sampai pagi ni.

***

Actually my favourite dish during hari raya is ketupat palas with kacang inside it. It's more popular in the northern parts of Malaysia but I managed to buy some at Pasar TTDI for RM0.60 per piece. Yup, quite pricey, tapi sedapppp! :)

Hope all of you are enjoying the month of Syawal as much as I am..but don't forget to do the puasa enam! :)

All best!

An end to a very long 'wait' (hopefully)

2010-09-14T00:04:00.000+08:00

Finally I got the long-awaited answer for my question.

An issue that had been lingering around my mind and 'haunting' my life for almost four years (?).

It took a lot of courage for me to ask such question and it had definitely took me a very long time to gather my strength to do it. Yup, to him I might sound crazy or desperate or whatever but I just needed to take off the load from my shoulders.

It took him a day to provide me with an answer.

"Im sorry i cant coz im now engaged to some one"

I've always admired him for his frankness, although this time it took him quite some time to let it out.

A friend asked if there's any possibility of him creating excuses to drive me away:

My reply was "Dont think so, yg aku knl dia tu xpndai mnipu.."

But when I come to think about...it took him a day to reply, could the answer be made up after a very deep thought about the question?

Erm...I think I would stick to my original opinion and respect his answer whether it's the truth or not. I wish not to go deeper into this. I believe it's best to leave it as it is now.

Thank you m.i.m.a for ending this long wait. I feel relieved now. I pray you the best in your life in this world and the hereafter :) ..

***
Good night people!

Eid Fitri

2010-09-08T16:25:00.000+08:00

This Ramadhan has been a very special one for me, even more special than the year before.

Some of my wishes have been granted moments after I made those requests. Subhanallah.

I know well that I don't deserve anything as I have not performed enough but I pray that Allah will forgive my faults and I will strive to be a better Muslim.

***
I am still hoping and waiting for more miracles.

Betullah kata orang, sifat manusia, tak pernah puas.

Tapi, berharaplah dengan Allah Taala bukan dengan manusia. Dia Yang Maha Mendengar dan Maha Mengetahui segalanya..

Have a happy Eid everyone.

Salam.

It's not easy

2010-09-03T12:23:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I find myself in a very difficult situation because I am too expressive, too critical and too observant.

My former Professor at U* told me that "any strength pushed to the limit will become a weakness".

My mother always reminds me "don't be too critical. you won't be able to like anything or anyone then".

My inner conscience has frequently warned me "don't judge people too fast. don't be too expressive if you like someone, don't be to critical if you hate someone".

***

I have liked that someone for a very long time. But I didn't manage to express it until it was too late. Maybe it was me who only understood my own feelings after everything has turned away from me. I learned about opportunities the hard way. I learned about love the difficult way. And I still face the difficulties to forget.

When it is difficult for you to really understand that you love that person, it's very hard for you to forget and move on, but when it is very easy for you to fall for that person, it is always very easy for you to erase him/her off your mind.

O love, you are playing tricks on me yet again.